Pro Life: A Quiz

Likely seen on a bumper near you.

It maybe might be that I’m a tad cranky today. I’m sure I can’t think of 21 new reasons why, but here’s a quiz for all of us to see just how “pro life” we really are. Good luck, and no cheating unless you think it will further your political ambitions.

Question 1) The time to talk about gun control is:

A) Certainly not in the aftermath of a mass shooting. Fortunately, these are happening at more than one per day in the United States, so there will never be the “after” post-aftermath and we won’t ever have to talk about crap like gun control. Thoughts and prayers!

B) Certainly not in a situation where elementary-school children are so ripped apart by automatic weapons fire that their parents have to provide DNA to be able to identify them. This is a perfectly acceptable price to pay so that Americans can each have 1.2 guns, about three times the number per capita in Switzerland, the next most heavily-armed country in the world.

C) As long as we say “never again” and really, really mean it in our hearts, that’s good enough.

Question 2) The maternal death rate in individual states should be calculated by:

A) Marking how many women total die in childbirth

B) Using the “Cassidy Method”: if we disregard the black women, who thoughtlessly die at three times the rate of white women, why Louisiana hardly has a maternal mortality problem that’s worse than any place else. And that’s good enough for us, particularly if we are men. Especially particularly if we are privileged white men who almost never have to concern ourselves with maternal mortality.

C) The mortality rate ought to be increased by mandating that fetuses with no medical viability must be carried inside the mother, even under the threat of maternal sepsis, because this life, even if dead, is more precious than a grown woman’s.

Question 3) True or false: It is okay to abandon support of Ukraine because it’s really inconvenient for me to pay $4.65 per gallon of gasoline to drive from my house that hasn’t been reduced to rubble to my job that hasn’t been interrupted by an invasion from an increasingly unhinged despot fondly recalling glory days when a Soviet dictator could starve 2.3 million Ukrainians to death in an attempt to bring them to heel.

Question 4) The protocol for assisting women who have given birth against their wishes ought to be:

A) The baby is here. That’s good enough.

B) Complaining about “welfare mothers” who just keep having children to milk the system.

C) Identifying paternity, through DNA tests if necessary, and assuring fathers are part of the solution.

D) Why is it we’re including C? Why are we burdening men when clearly this is a problem exclusive to those wily temptresses who lead men astray?

Question 5) If you are a former chief executive of this country, put there by quirks of the system rather than the popular vote, but who received overwhelming support from “pro-life” voters, you repay them now by:

A) Aligning with far-right extremists, organizations deemed the most dangerous threat to domestic security, in suggesting that “civil war” is the only reasonable option left.

B) Not a student of history (although that Frederick Douglass is sure a nice guy, and the airports in the American Revolution were underutilized), perhaps you fail to grasp that a modern-day death toll equivalent to that sustained during the 1860-65 War Between the States would amount to 8 million deaths.

C) I really don’t care, do U?

Question 6) A credible accusation by your ex-wife that you once held a gun to her head — held a gun, to her head — should not be an impediment to your political career:

A) As long as you’re a Heisman Trophy winner

B) When you’re a successful male cultural hero, you can do whatever you want — and your fans will take care of that bitch who dared try to besmirch your reputation. Have you heard this, Amber?

Question 7) True or false: As long as we ensure every child, wanted or not, is born, it’s okay if that child is later shot while at school, church, a movie, a grocery store, concert or event because Jesus mandated that we all need access to AR-15s.

Question 8) We don’t need gun control because:

A) “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” has worked so very well for this country since the Columbine High School shooting 23 years ago. Why try a different tack now?

B) While we aren’t going to allocate any resources to it, this is clearly a mental health problem, not a gun issue.

C) Even though it hasn’t really worked yet, it’s just better to throw money at schools for enhanced security measures, like the ones they had just put in place at Sandy Hook and the armed security personnel at the school in Uvalde.

Question 9) If an anti-abortion activist named Karen Swallow Prior tweets her joy at the leaked Supreme Court document but also thinks people of presidential caliber should not incite riots where people are killed, nor should they brag about sexually assaulting women or have affairs with porn stars, your response as a fellow pro-lifer is to:

A) Call her an “enemy of the people” and tell her she’s responsible, in some undetailed fashion, for the death of millions

B) As a fine, upstanding leader of the Southern Baptists, which has less of a sexual predator problem than the difficulty of managing women and girls with loose morals, you note that she is a “Jezebel — a horribly, horribly wicked woman”

C) You attack her for having the temerity to think justices maybe shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court if they’ve been accused of sexual assault, that as many people as possible ought to be vaccinated against covid, that pregnant women and their subsequent children deserve access to care, that inner-city students deserve a top-level education, and her ever-growing notion that maybe — just maybe — some of the people espousing a cause she has long fought for are doing so to further themselves, their political power and their wallets. What sort of pro-lifer could she possibly be?

Bonus Question, to test your morals: True or false: It’s perfectly okay to lie, cheat and steal, as long as you don’t indulge in some actual moral outrage, like being gay, or trans, or black, or Mexican, or Jewish, or female.

So, how’d you do? Did you dodge the bullet for one more day? There is no key to this quiz, which is the key: if you actually try solutions, rather than sloganeering and political posturing, you will be shot down by your fellow pro-lifers. Maybe even literally. Enjoy life!

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