Where Have You Gone, Clarissa?

There used to be a teen show on Nickelodeon called Clarissa Explains It All. Well, today I am going to unexplain it — probably not all of it; probably we’re not even scratching the prickly surface.

Even were Clarissa here, I have my doubts that she could explain, for instance, the Ohio state legislature. Someone involved seemed to think it would be a great idea to invite a doctor — I sure hope her alma mater is suitably embarrassed at issuing her a medical degree — a rabid anti-vaxxer to come testify about covid vaccines.

As she sat there earnestly telling the legislators, a nurse among them vociferously agreeing with her, that the vaccine causes people to become magnetized, she got very little pushback. I can understand listening politely to your constituents’ concerns, no matter how nutty, but she was there as an “expert” witness. How long are you required to listen to something that is clearly nonsensical?

For instance, why there wasn’t a sudden clinking of metal dropping to the floor as every vaccinated person in the chamber — surely there were a couple — pulled keys out of their pockets (if they could — I’m not clear how strong this magnetic force is) and placed them on their foreheads to test out this “theory” in real time?

Nor why they didn’t all start making calls to long-distance relatives as soon as they learned from this woman that the vaccine channels 5G. Now, this is the same week that Amazon rather surreptitiously launched Sidewalk, which I also can’t begin to explain to you, but it somehow lets your neighbors participate in your Amazon products like Echo and Ring, spreading your data and information who knows where.

That seems more worrisome to me than your newfound ability to create your own 5G network, or even the microchip that is now embedded in your vaccinated arm that for some reason alarms you far more than the phone that goes everywhere you do. Of course, now you no longer need the phone, so maybe that microchip should be of concern.

So there are things this “doctor” could worry about that are real and probably do everything these supposed side benefits do that have been bestowed on all of us with the jab of a needle. Or an open-mouthed kiss.

She did get some mild pushback, from a Republican, when she blew right past the nearly 600,000 American deaths from covid to assert that the vaccinations have killed 5,000 people.The legislator wanted to know how many of these mythical 5,000 were in Ohio. It turned out, and I’m sure this will shock you, that this “expert” had absolutely no idea. That wasn’t part of her internet “fact” dissemination, the where and who.

This is the sort of fact dissemination that ended up killing a Colorado sheriff’s deputy at age 33. Although he was accorded full honors and many law enforcement personnel lined the route his hearse took, it’s really hard for me to want to reward stupidity.

He died of covid, which he was probably sure didn’t exist at all, but at any rate he had a strong immune system and other reasons he wasn’t going to catch it, right up until he caught it. Full force, and with a rapid decline that resulted in death. Not long before this happened he had gone on social media to share the alarming news that the vaccine causes a horn to grow out your forehead. Good thing he didn’t get vaccinated, huh?

I wonder how many people he saw, in the six-plus months of vaccination, with new growths emanating from their foreheads that made him think this was a more likely scenario than all the covid hospitalizations he had to have been aware of, given his career as a first responder. But better to believe internet reality than what you can see with your own eyes, I guess. And now he’s dead at 33, not in the line of duty, but in the wobbly line of irrationality.

Here at home comes the one I can’t explain to you at all. Lynn works for the Postal Service, which offers fewer and fewer “career” positions and many more like Lynn’s, where she essentially gets terminated every year for five days and then rehired, starting over anew so the USPS doesn’t have to pay her benefits like retirement. She’s also considered “part-time,” which means while full-time career workers rarely put in one hour over 40 in any week, “part-time” employees can and do work many hours over 40.

This week Lynn, also functioning without the oxygen we recently discovered she needs [but the new concentrator is scheduled to arrive today; no word, of course, on the one that was supposed to have returned the first week of May], worked more than 10 hours Monday, and over nine every day since, starting at 6 a.m. and ending at 6 p.m. (time off in the middle) because of worker shortages due to vacation and illness.

Those can’t be helped, but then one of her co-workers called in to say a bunch of things, almost none of which made sense, and apparently it’s asking too much of management to attempt to verify any of the rather suspicious excuses.

Now, I have to say this woman is usually a hard worker, so this seems out of character, but she called in and said the county had called her at night to tell her she’d been exposed to someone testing positive for covid, and she would have to quarantine for two weeks. Plus, she couldn’t go get a covid test until today.

I suppose there’s a possibility that county personnel would call at night, but I have my doubts, and I did confirm with a friend who volunteers at the county call center that, following CDC guidance, Gunnison County does not require anyone who has been vaccinated to quarantine or take any other extraordinary step if they come into contact with a positive case. You don’t even have to wear a mask or anything — the magnetic power of the vaccine means you are highly unlikely to catch the virus or be contagious.

And even though you can buy rapid tests at the store, and I’m pretty sure you can go get tested any morning outside the hospital following a chat with the call center, for some reason Lynn’s co-worker is waiting until today. Maybe they will give her a rapid test, but if they give her a regular test it has to be sent out to a lab. Lynn was assured she would not have to work extra hours tomorrow, meaning everyone is planning for this woman to be back on the job.

As a boss, I would have made one phone call the second I heard this story. It’s kind of like how the Ohio legislators could have tried to pull metal out of their pockets to stick it on their horned foreheads in a quick effort to discredit “expert” testimony. One phone call to the call center could have confirmed that this vaccinated employee didn’t need to quarantine. It perhaps could have cleared up what times of day the county’s contact tracers get hold of people, and it could have enlightened a discussion on the testing timetable.

Instead, Lynn has worked herself into exhaustion while a co-worker takes a bunch of unnecessary days off when the office is already short-handed.

I have about had it with stupidity and ignorance regarding this pandemic and its protective measures. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to flush out my insides with bleach, put on my tinfoil beanie and move the moon to a better orbit for optimal climate control. If she were here, Clarissa could explain how this all works. I sure can’t.

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